George Parker: Customer Service My Arse!

I’m sure by now you’ve already read or, God forbid, Tweeted about the news that Ryanair, Irelands famous and somewhat notorious discount airline, might soon start putting coin slots on the bathroom doors of their planes. I mean, when you consider the appallingly shitty state of the airline industry these days, there’s no surprise there. Flying in anything less than Donald Trump First these days is like having a root canal without benefit of Novocain and several stiff brandies.

The rot started to set in many years ago with the introduction of Business Class, a scam which allowed airlines to con travelers into paying a shitload of money for a ticket that didn’t cost quite as much as First Class, but you got free booze and the disgusting food they served you didn’t come in a plastic box. I remember being on a London to Paris flight the first day British Airways introduced “Club Class.” The flight attendant came on the speaker and said, in a very plumy, English School Mistress accent… “BA would like to welcome passengers to Club Class, you will receive a complimentary breakfast and Champagne… Passengers in Economy, will receive… Nothing!” This was no doubt intended to put the poncho wearing rabble travelling in the back of the plane with the baskets of chickens and squealing baby pigs firmly in their place.

I loved the fact that Michael O’Leary of Ryanair is reported as saying he did not see paying to go for a pee as causing an inconvenience to passengers: “I don’t think there is anybody in history that has got on board a Ryanair aircraft with less than a pound.” Bloody Hell, and I always thought that that was exactly the demographic Ryanair was aiming for!

Anyway, the point of this particular rant is that even the dumbest of companies could be driven to think that treating customers as something better than the shit you clean off the bottom of your shoes after a walk through Central Park, might make sense in today’s nuclear waste economy. Apparently, Ryanair, and others we’ve had the misfortune of having to deal with recently, don’t subscribe to that view.

Some companies, like Amazon get it (I’ve told you my super service Kindle story before… Pay attention) however, a great many still don’t. Even I get it… In the two weeks since I published The Ubiquitous Persuaders, I’ve had emails from starving students who can’t afford to buy it, or people in places where they can’t order it. OK. They may be bullshitting me, or doing life in prison. So what? I send them pdfs of the book… ‘Cos I’m a fucking prince… No… Don’t even think about trying it!

George Parker is a guest columnist for psfk.com. He the perpetrator of adscam.typepad.com, which is without doubt, one of the most foul and annoying, piss & vinegar ad blogs on the planet. He is the author of MadScam and his new book, The Ubiquitous Persuaders, which you can order now on Amazon. He will continue to relentlessly promote the crap out of it until you are forced to stab yourself in the eyes with knitting needles.