eBook, eTrash, or eWank?

eBooks are certainly getting a lot of press these days, and with more than thirty models currently on the market, some are suggesting we’ve arrived at an iPod moment. Not quite sure if I agree with that just yet, but there’s certainly a lot of money being thrown around by some heavy players. With Barnes & Noble about to launch their answer to the Kindle and Sony’s eBook, it might be worth considering whether or not this will go the way of many other platform systems that quickly flamed out, such as the word processor (Wang), tablet PDA’s (The Newton… Yeah, I know, GodJobs will announce the iTablet any day now and AppleTards will happily shell out thousands for something that will be drastically reduced in price within weeks… But then everything will be fine when Saint Steve sends you an Apple Store voucher, so you can buy even more Apple stuff). And talking of long promised breakthroughs, never forget how much money has been thrown down the black hole of voice recognition software over the years in a forlorn attempt to encourage us to chuck away our keyboards.

But, as is usual in the mass-paranoia, cluster-fuck of the “next big thing,” there are no standards, protocols, or even rational thinking behind this current rave-du-jour. Virtually every one of the more than thirty eBooks currently on offer supports different formats and different wireless networks (even though less than five percent actually offer wireless connectivity.) However, in my humble opinion, the final cage match will be between Amazon and Barnes & Noble, and yes, before you Apple freaks jump all over me and tell me you’ve been reading eBooks on your trendy, way-cool, iPhone since you were in diapers, I opt for these two and even exclude Sony, cos they actually sell content. In other words, they market their e-readers to help them sell books. Everyone else markets their e-readers to sell more e-readers!

But, the catch twenty two question is, “if you sell more books digitally, will you sell fewer hard-copy books in your bricks & mortar stores?” If the answer is yes, then Barnes & Noble may very well be shooting themselves in the foot. Their stores could soon go the way all those Virgin and Tower mega-stores did in the music business, meaning, they are fucked. Ah yes you say, but couldn’t this also affect Amazon, ‘cos they sell real books as well. No, I hasten to add, because they aren’t fucking stupid enough to have container loads of soon-to-be-pulped books lining the shelves of hundreds of stores across America. They carry some small amount of inventory in their mega-warehouses, but mostly they source orders directly from publishers. Bezos is no clown. That’s why he’s going to the moon with Anna Kournikovia. (Readers of AdScam will get this over-the-top sexual reference while snorting breakfast beer though their inflamed nostrils.)

So, let me leave you with this mind numbing statistic… Did you know that 400 bookstores are forecast to close this year? And here’s an even more mega shitastic statistic… That’s a 500% increase over last year. On top of that, consider that Amazon and Wall-Mart are currently dueling to see who can offer shit like the latest John Grisham legal drama; re-tread, for the lowest possible price. Not to mention Oprah has the power to determine what your unspeakable neighbors will be reading and talking to you about at those backyard barbecues for the next couple of years.

Basically, what this all means is that traditional publishing is as fucked as the traditional music/video/porn/used schoolgirl panty business is… Wait, strike the last one. That’s still huge in Japan. Remind me to pony up for one of those Shibuya vending machines. A license to print digital Yen, baby!

George Parker is the perpetrator of adscam.typepad.com, which is without doubt, one of the most foul and annoying, piss & vinegar ad blogs on the planet. He is the author of MadScam and his new book, The Ubiquitous Persuaders, which is currently setting the ether ablaze (and which you can order now on Amazon). He will continue to relentlessly promote the crap out of it until you are forced to stab yourself in the eyes with knitting needles.