Forget Search Engines…The Real Gold Is In Search Agencies!

The recent news that Deutsch managed to win the much prized Volkswagen account, after a final cage match with Goodby, Silverstein and Partners, would seem to indicate that the superior work, and I am sure, better return on investment Goodby offered, failed to win out against the “We will do it for peanuts, and kiss your ass till it is chapped beyond recognition” approach of the “Donny Brigade.” Ha, so, what the fuck else is new in this era of “Advertising is a somewhat less offensive way of turning a buck, than making snuff movies?”

Anyway, the point of this weeks rant is that the “so-called” marketing Director of Volkswagen USA found it necessary to bring in an agency “Search Consultant” to enable him to create a short list of everyone one out there who would sacrifice their first born, drive their wives into prostitution, and offer up their teen-age daughter to be the practice palette for a University of Phoenix, tattoo parlor, MBA program, in order to win an account that, on paper is supposedly worth hundreds of thousands worth of dollars in income, yet in reality, will probably turn out to be another well paved road to the poor house!

It’s what I lovingly call the “Welcome to the new advertising reality, particularly if you are a charter member of the BDA (Big Dumb Agency) society.” I mean, c’mon, I can’t begin to see why a search consultant is needed to draw up a short list of Goodby, Deutsch, Wieden & Kennedy and a couple of other prestigious agencies who are thrown in for good measure to make the whole thing look semi-legit. I mean when are these BDC’s (Big Dumb Clients) going to wake up and realize that they are paying their douchenozzle, so called, marketing/advertising directors gazillions of fucking dollars to stay on top of things and be aware of what is going on out there, when in reality these wankers simply want the crutch of being able to blame a search consultant if the new agency fucks up.

Are you trying to tell me that the guy heading up marketing and advertising for Volkswagen USA, doesn’t know who has produced the best car advertising over the last ten years… No… Strike that. Not the best car advertising… ‘Cos virtually all of it sucks… Back to basics. This bozo should know who has produced the best advertising over the last ten years, preferably without the remotest association to cars. Then he/she should simply pick up the phone, give the agency that happens to tickle his/her fancy a call, invite them in for a chat and a couple of drinks, fire up the Camels, pick their brains, do lines in the bathroom, check out the chemistry. Etc… etc…

If it feels good, hire them, if it doesn’t work out in the first three months. Fire their asses. Hey, it’s advertising 2009.

I mean, c’mon. In today’s desperate economy, why would anyone in their right mind pay tens of thousands of dollars to a douchenozzle, so-called Agency Search Consultant, when this is something your personal masseuse could do for you in the ten minutes between “therapy” sessions?

Thank you. I hope that was as good for you as it was for me. That will be fifty thousand dollars payable into my numbered Swiss bank account!

George Parker is the perpetrator of adscam.typepad.com, which is without doubt, one of the most foul and annoying, piss & vinegar ad blogs on the planet. He is the author of MadScam and his new book, The Ubiquitous Persuaders, which is currently setting the ether ablaze (and which you can order now on Amazon). He will continue to relentlessly promote the crap out of it until you are forced to stab yourself in the eyes with knitting needles.