George Parker: I Don’t Hate Facebook, I’m Just Tired Of Reading About It!

Yeah, I know everyone you know, including yourself, is on Facebook, desperately seeking out old school chums, workmates, fellow bondage lovers who’ve moved on from Second Life and nut crusher war games, and just about anyone else you’d rather “friend” on-line instead of going down to the pub for a few pints with them. And that’s OK, if you’d rather spend your time doing that (when you’re not tweeting) instead of getting a real fucking life, like I say, good luck to you. But please can we keep the conversation about Facebook, on fucking Facebook?

It seems like every time I open a publication – even the ones that still come on paper – I see a picture of Zuckernozzle with a big grin on his face, no doubt ‘cos he’s counting the billions the Sand Hill Road, Vulture Capitalists have poured into the company he was once accused of stealing from his college roommates. (don’t freak Piers, tell the lawyers I used the past tense and I acknowledge that this whole unfortunate affair was settled out of court. ha, neat legal sidestep there!) I mean c’mon guys, he gets more press than GodJobs, and he’s a fucking deity! I mean this is the Holy One who introduces himself on “Fake Steve Jobs” as “Dude, I invented the friggin iPhone!” (Yeah – Piers alarm – I said fake, but it’s true.)

Anyway, pimply Mark has now announced that “we are building a Web where the default is social,” which will turn the Web into “instantly social experiences.” Apparently the building blocks to this super-social Web are Facebook’s new Open Graph and Social Plug-ins, which include new “Like” buttons everywhere on sites outside Facebook.com, auto-login capabilities for sites without clicking on Facebook  Connect, and even a Facebook social bar which includes several of these plug-ins, plus Facebook chat. What all that geek mumbo-jumbo actually means is that you will never escape from the clutches of Facebook . An ambitious plan? Without a doubt, but never forget, we’ve been down this road before. In 2007, FaceBook launched Beacon, which allowed FaceBook to liposuction data on everything from your sexual predilections to the size of your underwear from partner sites like Fandango back to Facebook. Not surprisingly, privacy advocates were extremely pissed and quickly mounted a class-action suit. Facebook backed off, returning with Connect, which let fucktard Facebookers log into other sites with their FaceBook IDs, share inane and pointless stories and wet their pants while laughing at them with their equally douchenozzle friends. The launch of Connect didn’t cause a stink like Beacon, but it hasn’t been a big hit so far.

Whatever happens, Zuckernozzle seems to have remarkable perseverance for someone was able to get into movies for half price just a few years ago. But please, can we leave this billionaire freak alone and concentrate on the really important people… Like GodJobs, Piers, and me.

George Parker is a guest columnist for PSFK.com. He is the perpetrator of adscam.typepad.com, which is without doubt, one of the most foul and annoying, piss & vinegar ad blogs on the planet. He is the author of MadScam and his new book, The Ubiquitous Persuaders, which is currently setting the ether ablaze (and which you can order now on Amazon). He will continue to relentlessly promote the crap out of it until you are forced to stab yourself in the eyes with knitting needles.