George Parker: Apple / The Horror

George Parker is the perpetrator of adscam.typepad.com. Every week he shares his opinions on the advertising world with PSFK.

Readers of my blog, AdScam, may have noticed that its full title is… AdScam/The Horror. Not only is this an homage to Colonel Kurtz in the last great film famed winemaker, Francis Ford Coppola blew millions on, it is also a reflection on what I primarily write about. i.e. The current fucked up state of the advertising business.

But because of the aforementioned state of the ad biz, and its increasingly desperate condition, I often cast my net wider (hey, it’s my fucking blog) writing about stuff on the fringes of advertising, marketing and social-nozzelry, that either interest me, or more often than not, piss me off. Take for instance the current kerfuffle surrounding the “death grip” problem that causes owners of the new Jesus Phone from Apple to lose their signal while tweeting about when they had their last bowel movement.

I’ve worked on the Apple account, off and on over the years, with my first experience on the launch of the Lisa… The Wha? You ask. Yes, the long forgotten precursor to the Mac, that cost a mere ten thousand dollars in 1962, when the dollar was actually worth something. I have closely followed the saga of Apple over the years, even those when GodJobs went off to create the Next, and the company was almost destroyed by the incompetents left in charge.

I’ll be the first to admit Steve Jobs is brilliant, but he is also extremely weird, and most definitely pig headed. The current story going the rounds is that he knew about the signal problems that would occur by placing the antenna at the phones edge. But because Steve always does things his way, he ignored the advice of the engineers and pressed ahead with the design of his choice, because it was esthetically more pleasing.

A well known chapter in the encyclopedia of Apple lore is about the time when the engineer responsible for the design of the motherboard for the first Mac, showed the prototype to Steve and Steve hated it, ‘cos he said it was ugly. The engineer protested on the basis that because of the Mac’s closed architecture, obviously, no one would ever see it. Flying into one of his famous tantrums, Steve screamed, “I’ll fucking see it. Go make it beautiful!” Obviously, being a loyal, eighty hours a week Appletard, the engineer did so.

In true GodJobs style, Steve convened a press conference last week to announce to the assembled acolytes that’s there’s nothing wrong with the iPhone 4 that isn’t wrong with its rivals. A statement that severely pissed off all the other makers of smartphones. Not that Steve gives a shit. Just as he conveniently forgot that it was only a week earlier he claimed it was all due to a software problem that incorrectly showed signal strength to be better than it actually is. Still, now you can get a free “bumper” for your Jesus Phone, to which I have to ask what the fuck is a “bumper.” In Britain that’s what we call a “fender.”

But I have no doubt there are Apple freaks already camping out at Apple stores nationwide to be the first on their block with a iBumper. ‘Cos that’s what Apple freaks do.

Steverino… What a guy!

George Parker is a guest columnist for psfk.com. He is the perpetrator of adscam.typepad.com, which is without doubt, one of the most foul and annoying, piss & vinegar ad blogs on the planet. He is the author of MadScam and his new book, The Ubiquitous Persuaders, which is currently setting the ether ablaze (and which you can order now on Amazon). He will continue to relentlessly promote the crap out of it until you are forced to stab yourself in the eyes with knitting needles.

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