As the world economy is rapidly disappearing down the rancid tubes of hopelessness, we get the cheerful news from WPP, the world’s largest ad agency holding company, that things are looking great. Sir Martin Sorrel (The Poisoned Dwarf) reckons that the global economic recovery will be “LuVVy” shaped and will avoid the dreaded double dip recession. Things in the US are on the rebound, he says, and in our twenty five years of existence, we cannot remember a more speedy recovery or turnaround of a region.
Well, to use another Yogi-ism (I think) “It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings!
Remember, it was just a year ago that the usual BDA scumbags were coming out of the woodwork to promise that in those challenging times, they had the answer. In mid 2009, some big time Media honcho from Interpublic stood up at one of those same-old, same-old boiler plate ad conferences in some exotic location surrounded by golf courses and announced… “Hard times call for hard sell advertising.” Mmmm… No wonder these guys get the big bucks! Then a week later, Ogilvy announced “In order to provide clients with solutions to the challenges they are facing in this recession, we are establishing a “Recession Marketing Practice,” which will bring together 100 top Ogilvy experts in marketing strategy, analytics, measurement, e-mail, technology and media. Apparently, the plan was for these “top experts” (Isn’t that redundant?) to work with a set of “21 Ogilvy Solutions” intended to help clients maximize the value and performance of their marketing budgets. Have you noticed how these douchenozzles just love to lard up their bullshit with numbers? That’s why they read business books with titles like “The 21 immutable marketing secrets of the Kalahari Nomads.” It’s funny how they only come up with these instant solutions for cheap and cheerful when things are tight, rather than at any other time. If they are so great and actually work better while saving the clients money…Why the hell are they only trotted out when times get tough? If I was a client, I’d want to know why my agency insisted I blow shitloads of money on during the good times. Anyway, last time I looked, Ogilvy’s “21 Ogilvy Solutions” had disappeared without a trace. Must have something to do with the “LuVVy” thing!
The one thing these people never seem to consider is that this so-called recovery is within the context of their own business, by making the numbers that bring cheer to Wall Street while bringing misery to the thousands who’ve been laid off. The recent Hewlett Packard fiasco with the sacking of CEO Mark Hurd was much regretted by the financial community, ‘cos the guy had turned around the financial fortunes of HP, little attention was paid to the fact that part of this was because he had laid off more than 50,000 employees in four years. It was common knowledge that HP moral was low, and most of the workers hated his guts. Still, as is usual, he walked with a $50 million Golden Parachute. Just as the Poisoned Dwarf will soon collect his $96 million bonus.
It’s only LuVVy shaped for those at the top!
George Parker is a guest columnist for psfk.com. He is the perpetrator of adscam.typepad.com, which is without doubt, one of the most foul and annoying, piss & vinegar ad blogs on the planet. He is the author of MadScam and his new book, The Ubiquitous Persuaders, which is currently setting the ether ablaze (and which you can order now on Amazon). He will continue to relentlessly promote the crap out of it until you are forced to stab yourself in the eyes with knitting needles.