Are We Really Screwed? Or Are We Just Virtually Screwed?

Are We Really Screwed? Or Are We Just Virtually Screwed?
George Parker
  • 26 may 2009

You have to laugh when you read the piece in Saturday’s New York Times about how Ad Revenue on the Internet is no longer the Holy Grail it has been promoted as for the last few hundred years or so. Remember, ever since the immortal dot com implosion, we were incessantly bombarded with the “Field of Dreams” scenario? Build the world’s wankiest Web site, give free access, free content, Jesus, even offer them your girlfriend for free. That way, you’ll generate a huge audience, then years down the road you’ll be able to milk the shit out of these cretins. Unfortunately, for 99.999% of these sites it never happened. The good news is that this left legions of Stanford MBA, Palo Alto based venture capitalists with massive amounts of egg all over their Botoxed faces. It also left many Big Dumb Agencies, who should have known better if greed hadn’t got in their way, with lots of unpaid media bills because they had booked multiple thirty second television spots for Ma Kettle’s micro-wave-able home cooked, hominy on the Super Bowl. To which I can only say… Ha… Ha…Serves the fuckers right!

Now, as advertisers are cutting back on their spending, all the media is being hammered. Even the so-called el-cheaper version… Digital, is getting its share of misery. So now we are hearing from the pundits all these cautionary tales about how Web start-ups must consider other revenue streams, rather than simply selling advertising on their sites.

You have to love some of the statements from the VC douchenozzles. Here’s a great one from Roger Lee, a partner at Battery Ventures (Hens… Eggs… WTF?) who invests in digital media start-ups… “Current troubles in the advertising economy are forcing people, out of necessity, to ask really hard questions about how to build a profitable business.” Roger, Roger… Fuck the current troubles… Shouldn’t you be endeavoring to build a profitable business, even in the good times?

One of the case studies featured is for a Web site design company by the name of WetPaint, which now intends to make gazillions of dollars by offering their customers such exciting paid-for services as, additional storage for big files, (yawn) personalized domain names, (yawn) And the sale of virtual goods on its sites. (Oh my god… triple yawn.)

Speaking of which, World Golf Tour, an online golf game with high-definition graphics, makes money from 5 percent of its 250,000 players, who are fucking dumb enough to pay for things like $1 putters in the virtual pro shop or an $18 tournament entry fee. Obviously these people are MBA wielding venture capitalists with shit for brains. But, as they say, if you build it, the fucktards will come. Oh, pardon me… Yawn, fucking yawn!

George Parker is the perpetrator of, without doubt, one of the most foul and annoying, piss & vinegar ad blogs on the planet. His new book, The Ubiquitous Persuaders, has just been published by Amazon and is currently setting the ether ablaze. He will continue to relentlessly promote the crap out of it until you are forced to stab yourself in the eyes with knitting needles.

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